June 21, 2010
“The only people you need in life are the ones that need you in theirs”
It’s 21 June. It was a very special date, years ago: my father’s anniversary. I used to buy him presents and schedule him a party a few days before. I always wanted to give him a kiss, to tell him he was the best father I could ever had and that I love him so much. And I used to do that. Now, everything is gone. My wishes and intentions to do that are not inside of me anymore.
Maybe you’re saying that I’m being cold and evil. Above all, he’s my father and I should respect him. But I do. I think respect was the only feeling that remained after all those recent years.
I could talk or write about it for hours. I could say how confused I was just after everything’s happened. But I don’t want to do that. Don’t want to remember those moments when I discovered by myself that my father was not the daddy I had in my mind.
You see, when we are children, what matters it’s if our parents play with us with our toys, if they read us stories when we go to bed and if they are there when we’re afraid. Then we grown up and enter on adolescent stage. We don’t want them to be there all the time, anymore. We need space, money and authorizations for everything we want to do. We also need support but I think we don’t know that at the time. Finally, we are adults. Here, we start to discover everything they have been hiding for us all those years.
Disappointment is the first feeling of our emotions, right now.
I’m in that stage…when the ideal we created is taken from us abruptly, when we start to see the real world, when we discover that our parents are not that perfect. So, we have to deal with a mix of feelings that disturb us. First, we are starting to find our own personality, and second we are about to recognize the real personality of our parents, friends and family.
At least, it happened with me and after a lot of thoughts and emotions, I understand that I couldn’t continue to fool myself. I opened my eyes and realized that my father doesn’t care about me. Not like before. I’m just a stranger, a distant friend to whom he only calls when he needs something.
So, I’m asking myself…should I hide my feeling and pretend everything is okay? No. Unfortunately, I understand that “the only people you need in life are the ones that need you in theirs”
June 18, 2010
“When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.”
I choose this phrase today because I’m feeling stronger than yesterday. And those words are totally right.
There are ups and downs. Nothing is perfect and we are never satisfied. So I started thinking if it’s worth being depressed like that. Actually, is a waste of time! I was mad, angry and sad for an inexplicable reason. There were only negatives energies around me and I let them affected me. I was weak and didn’t want help from anyone.
I’m not saying that those feelings changed without any explanation, I’m still feeling vulnerable. What changed were my thoughts about it. I created some defenses to overpass my bad feelings, even if they are still here, inside of me. I just understand that we usually forget that there are so many good things in life to appreciate, like walking with my son, hear him laugh, kiss my husband and cuddle him, looking at me in the mirror and say “Hei, you’re a pretty, self-confidence and a strong woman”. Go out, have fun, drink a coffee with some friends, buy some clothes, change your hair…do what you like, even if it’s just for one day. Make some craziness but remember… never anything that harms you.
Either, that must be the pregnancy. I know, I know, be pregnant is a wonderful state, a gift that only the women can have. Really? Do you really believe in that? I’m not complaining about being pregnant because I thanks God everyday for my beautiful babe, but it brings not only good things. Our hormones change, our body change…our life change and even our mind change. And it could change for good but it could change for bad, too. I think mine is the second case. But, as I already said, we have to be strong to keep going. And the better way to do that is imagining how is our babe. Imagining that we have a little human being inside our body, with harms, hands, legs, foots, eyes, ears and evens hairs. So if we think about that it’s too much easier. Believe me.
And the days are passing and I’m still here, fighting against myself, against my own feelings. The bad ones. They will not win. They will not put me down because I have some reasons to cry, but I have a thousand reasons to smile.
June 17, 2010
“Sometimes we have to smile, pretend everything’s ok, hold back the tears and just walk away”
Is that way-to-think correct or acceptable? Can we ignore our feelings, push them down and act like anything’s happening? That’s the way I’m feeling now. I don’t have anything to complain…or maybe I have, everyone has… but those BIG and REAL problems that exist in the life of majority people don’t find me yet and, even so, I’m feeling lost and desperate.
I cried today. Actually, I’m still crying but in a more calm way. I haven’t cried that much for years. I think the last time I cried like that was when my grandpa died. But there I had a reason...a strong reason. Now I’m a married woman, with a wonderful husband and an amazing son. I’m pregnant, I’ve a job and a beautiful house and above all, I’m feeling unhappy and I can’t find the reason for that.
And it’s ironic. So many people around me, who pretends to care about me and I don’t have the courage to tell them what’s going on. But I think they wouldn’t listen to me anyway.
Let’s see…I have my mum…yes…she’s the kind of mum you wants to have. Always there to help you when you need, at least in a monetarily way. But I don’t feel comfortable to tell her my problems or she never wants to really listening them. She always talks about her, about their own emotional states and when I start to speak about mines, she immediately starts to make judgments and devalues my feelings so I gave up. I’m sure if she’s reading this, she’s just now discussing this statement, arguing that I’m being unfair. I’m sorry mum, that’s the way I feel.
I’ve my friends too… but I’m not that kind of person who likes to bore others with my troubles. Usually I keep them to me. So the problem must be mine.
My husband is always the kindest guy in the world. He notices my sadness, he wants to help and I really see that he’s being honest but, I don’t know why, can’t open myself to him. I want to but it seems something blocks my voice when I’m going to speak. So if he asks me “what’s going on? What can I do to help? How are you feeling?” I don’t know what to answer. Better, I know, the answer is stuck inside of me but, for some unknown reason, don’t want to come out. That makes me wonder why I spent my last 4 years studying psychology. Well, either way, never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them. So why would I ask for an advice if I only will hear the answer I didn’t wish to hear? (Maybe I learned that in some wastage’s class).
You can see I’m confused. Very. But this is the normal state of all the women, isn’t it? So, who cares? This will pass. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be the most happiness girl in the world. Who knows? But what really matters is the present isn’t it? The present is a gift and you have to enjoy all the moments, all the minutes and all the seconds. God. This sounds fearful. If this is true it means that I’ve to take all those feelings because they are part of me. I have to feel them, fit them, experience them and then let them go. This makes any sense?! Am I making any sense? The answer may be “no”. But, one more time, who cares?